3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
