the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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