Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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