I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I didn't notice because vodka
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
