Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
