I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Found your dick twin last night
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up under a house in Key West
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
