there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
