i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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