Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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