im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
