Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
