This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
