Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
