So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I need a beard to bite.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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