i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
