Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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