I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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