I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
