hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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