in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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