I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
