you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
