I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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