Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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