If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Drake has all the answers
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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