Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
