I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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