i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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