i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
