i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
