Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
