your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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