woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
