I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
