You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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