Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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