I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dignity is for republicans.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
