Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
