I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
