Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
