When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
