i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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