She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
