I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
