Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
