k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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