dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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