I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
