I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
