I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dignity is for republicans.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
