Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
