I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
