People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
