this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
