Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
