they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
