the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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